There’s got to be a black cloud hovering over my starting pitchers’ heads at all times. This year in my NL-only league, I’ve shattered my own world record for blown wins that I set on an annual basis. Today was Randy Johnson’s eighth or ninth late-game debacle. He took a 4-0 lead into the seventh inning and gave up three runs. Typically, my closer, Brandon Lyon, would then cough it up in the ninth, but it didn’t get that far as Chad Qualls peed it away in the eighth.

By the way, since I acquired Lyon three weeks ago, his ERA is nearly 20.00 with a comparable WHIP. My other closer, Brian Fuentes, has actually been fantastic. That is until today when he was placed on revocable waivers by the Rockies and is ironically now on bereavement leave. Rockie management has decided to do this while the team is in the midst of its best stretch of the season and has closed to within five games of Arizona.

The combination of Big Unit, Hiroki Kuroda, Tim Lincecum and Todd Wellemeyer are owed about 25 wins. I’m not even joking. I’m talking comfortable leads late in games and their bullpens blew it. Wins of course is a huge category and I’ve gone from first to fourth place over the past month.

And don’t even get me started on Matt Lindstrom, who is singlehandedly trying to ruin my season. Just don’t… I’m warning you.

I am so sick to death of the Cubs scoring double-digit runs every day with Kosuke Fukudome and Derrek Lee doing absolutely nothing. I also have Aramis Ramirez, who is pretty pathetic, but at least he gets an occasional RBI… Certainly no home runs, but an occasional ribbie. Fukudome and Lee are completely invisible.

Mark DeRosa, Geovany Soto and Jim freaking Edmonds are the stars for the Cubbies each time out. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that Edmonds was pushing 40 homers and that DeRosa was challenging for the Triple Crown.

Remember earlier this year when I sang Fukudome’s and every Japanese players’ praises? Forget I said anything.

Hey, the Cubbies play a twin-bill today… oh joy.

Another dastardly day of NL baseball should pretty much seal my fate in yet another disgusting season. In early July, I was in first place with a monumental point total. As of this writing, I am more or less in a five-way tie for second place, where three of the five teams will finish in the money. The team I was battling with for first a month-and-a-half ago can’t even see me in his rear view mirror.

The way the season has been going, I have absolutely no hope of finishing in the cash. The last two nights have been offensive monsters in the NL and I’ve hit well below .200 each night without a homer. No one is less surprised than me since I think I’ve hit about two homers over the past three weeks. No joke.

Everyone is putrid. My offense is beyond offensive. The combination of Kosuke Fukudome and Jeff Keppinger has been the most dreadful thing I’ve ever seen. They’re probably both hitting in the neighborhood of .140 over a period of two months.

Today, I had the option of recalling Aaron Harang who had missed the last month with a forearm strain (the injury occurred upon his first appearance on my team). In his first start for me, he allowed six runs on 12 hits and walks over 4.1 innings, the seven walks easily being the highest free-pass total of his career. I would have gladly taken that outing today as he was shellacked for eight runs in 4.1. Normally I don’t bring back pitchers in their first start off the DL, but when I did that with Hiroki Kuroda last month (against the same Astros no less) he wielded a shutout.

Oh, and Juan Pierre, who I was terrified about going into this year and somehow became my best player, is now a backup. The Dodgers traded for Manny Ramirez and inexplicably Andre Ethier is now playing over Pierre.

I want to scream bloody murder and curse up a storm right now, but this time I think my wife will have me committed. I do look good in white.

I literally can’t win.

How the hell does the Angels bullpen blow a 5-1 lead at home to Baltimore? Joe Saunders cruised through six and left up 5-1, and still didn’t get the win. On Sunday, I had three starters going - they received a combined ONE RUN of support between them. I used to lead my league in wins, now I’m middle of the pack and falling.

To make matters worse, I made a mistake that will probably cost me any chance of moving out of fifth place. Last week I inserted Jeff Baker into my lineup for Mike Aviles. Usually my lineup changes only work out miserably. But, and Woody Allen would be proud, this one worked out horribly. Baker was 1-for-23 at the plate last week, while Mantle, I mean Aviles, went 15-for-26, including a 4-for-4, HR, 3 RBI game on Sunday before I could get him back in my lineup. On Monday night? Aviles was a predictable 1-for-4 with nothing.

I should only be so lucky, to be miserable.

On Saturday and Sunday I had a total of five starters going. After getting through the weekend with Gavin Floyd, Ben Sheets, Joe Saunders, Oliver Perez and Scott Baker combining for a 2.56 ERA, I had zero wins to show for it.

It started off as a great week. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I was about as calm as I’ve been in years. I slept well and greeted everyone with a smile. Could it be a coincidence that there were no baseball games during this time?

Thursday rolls around and I’m immediately shoved back into a depressed state, swearing at random strangers and waking up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat. Baseball is most definitely back.

After a lifetime of aggravating seasons, I’m having a particularly hard time accepting how pathetic my team is this year. After holding down the top spot with mirrors for the better part of the first 75 games in my NL-only league, I’m now dangerously close to the long good bye.

If my pitching wasn’t so horrific I would focus more on my dormant offense. Why do I have to look at an 0-for-4 line from Freddy Sanchez every freaking night? Why does the combination of Derrek Lee, Bengie Molina, Conor Jackson and James Loney never go deep?

The timing of my pitchers’ starts irks me to no end. The night before one of my starters is scheduled to go, without fail the team he will pitch against gets shut out, thus setting my pitcher up for failure.

Every pitcher in the NL is sensational except mine. Tonight is no exception as Jake Peavy, Jason Marquis, Matt Cain, Aaron Cook and Kyle Lohse, all owned by my competition, combined to allow one earned run.

My only hope is that Jeff’s vaunted vacation theory stays true to form as I leave on Monday for 10 days in South Africa. I can see myself on safari, hauling ass from a pack of hyena, all the while wondering what Joel Pinero’s WHIP was against the Pirates.

Can I go all of these days without checking stats? I’ve accepted the fact that I’m no longer a contributing member of society and me checking baseball stats daily is the equivalent of a Bedouin scouring the Sahara for a taste of water.

What does it matter anyway? As soon as I return my team will resume its vintage plummet. May as well hop the first ostrich to an internet cafe.

Once again everything I touch turns to maneur. I completed another dump-trade in my NL-only league in an effort to secure my annual second-place finish. I moved the indomitable Brad Lidge and a couple of Ring Dings for Greg Maddux, Aaron Harang and Rich Aurilia.

In start #1 as a Foxtrotter, Harang mistook my head for a toilet and allowed six runs on five hits and seven walks over 4.1 innings. Known for his pinpoint control, Harang hadn’t walked more than three batters in a game all year until of course he arrived at my rotisserie baseball complex.

I never watch Baseball Tonight, but last night I had the rare pleasure to see my best player of late, Jerry Hairston, get robbed on three separate plays, one by a decrepit and perpetually grimacing Jim Edmonds. I definitely lead the world in Web Gems against.

My team is falling apart at the seams as well as the pleats. Oh, did I mention that Harang is going for an MRI on his sore forearm? Dr. Death, James Andrews can’t be far behind.

Is Elton Brand really a Sixer? Look out below.

My main Kabuki, Hiroki Kuroda, who I egregiously did not recall from the DL last week in time for his seven-inning shutout of Houston, tonight recorded a complete-game, one-hit shutout of the Braves. I now need Kuroda and the rest of my starters to throw one-hit shutouts every outing (144 or so) for the remainder of the season to make up for my ERA and WHIP during interleague play.

CeeCee Sabathia arrived in Milwaukee today, meaning that he will be up for open bid in my NL-only league. Good lord, he is going to go for a ton of dough. I expect him to be unbelievable the rest of the season, unless an insomniatic Prince Fielder coaxes him in to some late night trips to Arnold’s.

Just for spits and giggles, I perused Jeff and my preseason baseball preview. I had Brad Hawpe as my #7 NL outfielder and Rickie Weeks ranked ahead of Brandon Phillips at second base… egads. Those picks are still way better than my selection of Troy Tulowitzki as the league’s #4 shortstop.

If anyone was crazy enough to listen to me, that’s what you get for taking advice from a guy who paid $38 for Jacque Jones.

In honor of Independence Day, I’d like to detonate a cherry bomb on my pathetic NL-only team.

At this point of the year, it is virtually impossible in my 11-team league to drop 13 points in a matter of two weeks, but that is exactly what I did. And how did I accomplish this feat, you ask? Well, when every one of your starters gets mauled beyond recognition each time out, this is the result. Unless you are feint of heart, take a gander at some of my recent starts:

Randy Johnson…
July 1 3.2 IP 7 ER 8 H 3 BB
June 25 6.0 IP 2 ER 8 H 2 BB
June 20 8.0 IP 7 ER 11 H 2 BB
June 14 4.1 IP 7 ER 10 H
June 9 5.2 IP 4 ER 6 H 5 BB

Joel Pineiro…
July 2 5.0 IP 4 ER 11 H 1 BB
June 27 7.2 IP 7 ER 10 H 2 BB

Todd Wellemeyer…
July 1 5.0 IP 6 ER 12 H 2 BB
June 26 5.0 IP 0 ER 4 H
June 13 3.1 IP 8 ER 8 H 3 BB

Randy Wolf…
July 2 4.0 IP 7 ER 6 H 4 BB
June 27 3.1 IP 2 ER 8 H 5 BB
June 22 6.0 IP 2 ER 6 H 4 BB
June 17 4.0 IP 5 ER 6 H 2 BB

George Washington…
June 30 3.0 IP 10 ER 9 H 5 BB
*The General was never known for his control

The good news is that my lifetime ERA in interleague play dropped from 47.00 to 42.00. In these two weeks, my WHIP has gone from below 1.30 to an abysmal 1.383.

Despite my collapse, I’ve remained upbeat despite bursting into tears while on the phone with Jeff the other night. I had one semi-major decision to make this week as my main Kabuki, Hiroki Kuroda, was coming off the DL. The question was, do I bring back Kuroda for a start at Houston or do I wait a start and give the promising Sean Gallagher the ball in San Francisco? Needless to say, I started Gallagher who yielded three runs in 5.0 innings of a Cubbie loss. Kuroda, who got bombed in San Diego before being placed on the DL with shoulder tendonitis, wielded a five-hit shutout as I remain desperate in all of the pitching categories.

I’d like to thank our Founding Fathers for their efforts 232 years ago. Without them there’d be no rotisserie baseball. To celebrate, I just might munch on a few sticks of dynamite.

I’m being continuously knocked to the canvas in my baseball league, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep getting up. On Tuesday night at some point, I fell into ninth place in my 10-team league. Ninth place! I was in third place a few weeks ago. Since that time, the following things have happened:

• Magglio Ordonez to the DL (and me unable to pick up a replacement in time for this week)
• Miguel Cabrera also hurt, now limited
• Erik Bedard misses a start, then I bench him for his next win
• Todd Wellemeyer gets shelled Tuesday after being on my bench for his five shutout innings in the previous game
• I bench Scott Baker this week for Wellemeyer and Baker nabs a much-needed win last night
• My team has six caught stealings in the last four days
• Brian Fuentes has been bombed
• My team has THREE home runs in the past WEEK

Get me to football.

Forget that. Get me to basketball. News that Baron Davis is likely to sign with the Clippers has me foaming at the mouth a la Cujo at the thought of drafting Monta Ellis next year. Will Davis team with Elton Brand and Chris Kaman to form a powerful fantasy troika, or will they go the route of Garnett-Pierce-Allen and kill you statistically? Baron’s beard and Kaman’s mop on the same floor? Ooh baby.

I heard the Celtics are planning on offering Corey Maggette a contract. That’s a head-scratcher.

Here’s my Top 5 NBA guys whose fantasy stock has improved in the past week: 1) Ellis; 2) Jose Calderon; 3) T.J. Ford; 4) Devin Harris; 5) Troy Murphy.