Another football season is upon us and the Whine Cellar would be remiss if it did not extoll the virtues of the legions of fantasy football owners we have come to know and love. These virtues may come across to some as unbelievably annoying traits, but take it from this column’s author, if it weren’t for the amusement of the draft itself, I’d call it a career in less time than it will take one of your fellow owners to curse you for grabbing Nick Folk in the seventh round.
So, let’s have a little fun and don’t be afraid to let us know if any of these ring true.
Top 10 Fantasy Football Owner Traits That Can Make a Person Hurtle Down an Elevator Shaft
10. The Multiple Magazine Owner
It’s bad enough to bring one of those rags to the draft, but the owners who arrives with multiple magazines and web site cheat sheets are just asking to have their teeth kicked in. It’s one thing to have current depth charts, but it’s another to listen to another moron’s opinion, particularly when that moron has written his opinions four months before the beginning of training camp. At least this type of owner won’t have to worry about lining his bird cage for the next six months.
9. The Owner who Follows his Magazine’s Cheat Sheet to the Letter
If you’re going to do this, why even show up for the draft? Wait a minute, that just gave me an idea for #7 on this list. If you heed our advice and conclude that it doesn’t matter who you draft you’ll never again look unprepared.
8. The Owner who Complains About League Rules
Fantasy football is easily the most ridiculous and impossible to predict of all the fantasy sports. Anyone who spends more than 12.3 seconds pouring over the league rule book should be disqualified from competition and immediately thrown by fellow owners in the nearest dumwaiter.
7. The Owner who Doesn’t Show for the Draft
As Jeff can attest the glorious and now likely defunct Myung Cha League can lay claim to having the highest percentage of owners not show to the draft… no calls, no emails, nothing… just no-shows. Yet, they remain more into the league than ever. It makes no sense. And that’s the problem with fantasy football ladies and gentlemen, nothing about it makes any sense.
6. The Owner who Wants to Bring his Friend Into the League
Except for a few rare cases, “the friend” will be the worst player in league history. The friend will ask way too many questions at the draft and the friend will either make the most free agent pickups or won’t make a single pickup the entire season. The friend is apt to either making the stupidest trades of all time or won’t accept and offer of Peyton Manning for Tarvaris Jackson.
5. The Owner who Applauds his Own Picks
As we all know by now, it’s possible for a gang of chimpanzees to come away with a better draft than any self-proclaimed expert, so praising oneself for selecting Marshawn Lynch in the second round comes across a tad ridiculous. The best tactic when dealing with this type of owner is to graciously insert a Nacho Cheese Bugle in his closest ear.
4. The Owner who Repeatedly Drafts Players Already Taken
Yeah, this is a tough one. I’d like to think that this type of owner has never won any sort of fantasy league, but football is set up for this owner to actually be successful. The best guys are the ones who think they’re getting one over on the rest of the league by announcing Matt Forte in the 17th round, only to find that he was selected 12 rounds earlier. Just give this owner a blank stare. Nothing makes a person feel more like a jackass than a group blank stare.
3. The Owner who Drafts his Favorite Players
This type of owner is particularly tough to take because the tactic of taking ones favorite players can actually work. What I’m trying to stress is that any tactic in a fantasy football draft can work, including the use of seances and Ouija Boards. An effective measure to stop this maniac is through “the block technique” by which a different owner takes another owner’s favorite player way too early. The owner whose favorite player was taken way too early by someone else will often be rendered catatonic for the remainder of the draft.
2. The Owner who Mispronounces Names
As a veteran of a league for the past 20 years that has included the lovable Uncle Vito, this type of owner absolutely makes my night. Over the past few years, Jeff and I have quietly doubled over in laughter as the names Plaxio Burgess and Ben Gates have been tossed out. This is a guess from left field, but I say that Vito drafts NY Giants rookie wideout Mario Cunningham (Manningham).
1. The Owner who Doesn’t Pay his League Fee or Offer to Pay for Food at the Draft
Most fantasy football web site fees are in the neighborhood of ten bucks per head and each person’s tab for pizza typically comes to around $5. I won’t even get into owners who don’t pay the league champion at the end of the season. I think Jeff could hire Springsteen to play his next birthday bash if he had all the money he’s owed over the past five years. One of the Cha League owners I think told Jeff last year that he’s not going to pay him for finishing first because he’s owed second-place money from three years ago.
Basketball can’t get here soon enough.
