By Jeff Andriesse
Rotowhine.com Editor
Nov. 5, 2007

Things have been really crazy here at Rotowhine.com, and with my email inbox backing up like you literally shouldn’t believe, I’ve decided to choose a cross-section of questions typical of our readership and answer them to the best of my ability. With so many desperate fantasy players out there clamoring for sound advice, The Complaint Desk has inevitably become somewhat of an oasis for the hyper-thirsty. May my counsel serve to lead each of you out of the desert and safely back to your individual insane asylums.

STANDARDIZED TEST QUESTION

Dear Complaint Desk,
Help! I have LaDainian Tomlinson, Adrian Peterson, LaMont Jordan, Travis Henry, Brian Leonard and Carson Daly at running back and I need to start three while choosing one to make a life-size doll with which to fornicate plus I’ve been offered Terrell Owens, Marion Barber, Steve Smith and Jerry Jones for either Jordan, Henry, Bob, Fred, Byron Leftwich and Visanthe Shiancoe or Tomlinson, Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Santana Moss, Kate Moss and either the Iron Sheik or Vince Young, who is a passenger on a train going 38 miles per hour. His cousin Al is on the exact same train yet it is only going 36 miles per hour. Help! Help? Mommy?
Thanks,
Clueless in Sacramento

Dear Clueless,
Whenever I read a question like yours on one of these fantasy football web sites I question not only my decision to become a leading advice columnist in the industry but my much more difficult decision to not jump in front of the next mass transit bus I see on a main road. I would love to know who you are, Clueless, and if you really believe that Mr. Fantasy Roto Genius at wherever.com is going to respond to you in time for you to set your lineup, never mind print your actual question on the internet. Thanks for reading!
Whine on,
Jeff

IN THA HOOD

Dear Complaint Desk,
I wrote you a while back looking for some advice about who to draft in the fourth round of one of my football leagues. While I thought it was a bit strange that your actual advice was, and I quote, “move to a remote mountain location and join a monastery,” I decided to take you up on it. I’ve since shaved my head, become a monk in the Himalayas and my new Friday night poker buddies are three goats. Nevertheless, my football team, last I heard, was 6-1 and in first place. So, thanks! Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Tickled in Tibet

Dear Tickled,
Hey, I know what I’m doing, what can I say? Do you get internet service out there? I may join ya.
Whine on,
Jeff

PREVIEW REVIEW

Dear Complaint Desk,
Hey, great job on the Rotowhine.com Fantasy Basketball Preview, guys! Having upwards of 17 hours to find your site randomly on the internet, read everything, download the player capsules and cheat sheets, and make my own rankings in time for my draft was a great touch. Perhaps next year you can have your preview up seconds before the opening tip of the season! By the way, I’m in last place after using your Top 300 as a guide, and your printable player capsules are currently lining my parakeet’s cage. How long did it take you to do that whole thing, four minutes?
Great site, a-holes,
Sarcastic in St. Louis

Dear Sarcastic,
It took us six months. And I hope you contract syphilis.
Whine on,
Jeff

YOUSER FRIENDLY

Dear Complaint Desk,
I think youse guys have good site. I play fantasy football all the time and love to play gaem. Me think you will hire me to write your publishings. Can you read my resumee and enjoy the peeces I wroted for my friendses fantasy football league. Let me know when you can put my articles up. Thank youse.
(Insert name of 75 percent of guest columnist inquiries)

Dear Nearly Anyone Who Applied to be a Guest Columnist,
Greg and I aren’t the pickiest guys in the world - hell, have you read Nate Sullivan’s column yet? - but we tend to hold things like speling, punctuation; and grammar with high regard. Maybe youse applicants should put a teensy bit of care into your emails.
Whine, on
Jeff

CHA RIGHT

Dear Complaint Desk,
Love the site! Hey, have you gotten paid yet for winning the Myung Cha Football League last year? I know you were trying to get the money. Good luck!
Concerned in Colorado

Dear Concerned,
Thanks for the note. In fact, I have something to report in the ongoing quest to claim my rightful winnings from 2006: nothing. Actually, someone who already paid the commissioner (the one who hasn’t paid me yet but left the league before this season) offered to pay me directly but I told him to forget it. In news that leaves me feeling neutral, a couple of the guys who haven’t paid me just continue to ignore me. If they can promise to keep doing this for the rest of my life, I may let it slide.
Whine on,
Jeff

GOING POSTAL

Dear Complaint Desk,
Lately I’ve been suffering from bouts of severe depression. I never leave my house, I’m often found curled up in my bed weeping and I haven’t shaved since the Carter administration. My mailman, who knocks on my window once a month to remind me to pick up the huge pile of Publishers Clearing House envelopes gathering on my doorstep, recently suggested I check out your site. I’ve been reading rather regularly, and all I can say is: you guys really need to cheer up.
Invigorated in Indiana

Dear Invigorated,
Can you believe Gilbert Arenas only had 10 points the other night? I took him THIRD in the damn draft! So annoying!!! I’ll never recover from this. Every year my top pick has the worst season of his career. Shoot me!!!!!
Whine on,
Jeff

ROTOWHINE’S GLOBAL REACH

Dear Complaint Desk,
Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.I got your contact from the proffesional data base found in the internet Yahoo tourist search. When i was searching for a foreign reliable partner.I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this business opportunity.

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 15 million U.S.A dollars ( fifteen million U.S.A dollars) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in (Monday 31st July 2000) in a plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines, but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died along side with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and one official in my department now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.
Your’s faithfully,
Godwin Amiri.
FROM (ADB) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.
GOD BLESSINGS,PROTECTIONS AND GUIDIANCE TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.

Dear Godwin,
Thanks for all the emails. It appears you are our most loyal reader! We appreciate it!
God blessings, protections and guidiance back at you, brother,
Jeff

P.S. - You might want to take Ronnie Brown out of your lineup.

Jeff Andriesse is the editor of Rotowhine.com and author of the award-seeking weekly column The Complaint Desk. You can email your fantasy horror stories or urgent bank deposit requests to him at jandriesse@rotowhine.com.