By Nate Sullivan
Guest Columnist
December 19, 2007

As much as we obsess over fantasy football, and the NFL in general, I think we all need to fess up and admit that it’s kind of a crappy league. I know it’s blasphemy to speak ill of the Most Popular Sport in The Nation (TM), but if you’re not a Patriots fan — and I am — what the hell is the point? Everything’s a giant crapshoot.

For instance, look at the AFC, a conference that by pretty much everyone’s intelligent estimation is the superior of the two. Here’s the power structure.

TIER ONE : Patriots

TIER TWO : Colts, Jags

TIER THREE : Browns, Steelers (and I’m being kind — we all saw you lose to the Jets)

TIER CRAP : Everyone else

Now, in case you’re new to the NFL — perhaps you’re a disillusioned hockey fan with nothing to do now that the maple syrup crop is in — let me remind you that there are TWELVE other teams in this conference, and they’re all essentially the same; unwatchable collections of random athletes. I’m seriously supposed to get excited about the Buffalo Bills winning as many games as they’ve lost? Really? That’s a big story? Don’t get me started on the NFC.

Honestly, it may have permanent immunity to structural criticism, but the NFL is rapidly losing points with me, at least in entertainment value. But what’s this, riding in on its white horse?

It’s the newly energized NBA!!!

I know, after an atrocious 2007 NBA Finals and a disastrously embarrassing referee gambling scandal, you’re right to suspect that referring to the NBA as “newly energized” makes me either nuts, or a perpetual cheerleader for the non-hockey doormat of professional sports.

Shows you. I’m both.

I’d say I’m one of the 35 remaining NBA fans left in the country, but that’s a comical exaggeration used by columnists to evoke sympathy from their readers; in fact, I know for a fact there are as many as four or five hundred NBA fans in existence, many of whom were introduced to the league via EA Sports’ “NBA Live” franchise. This is kind of like being introduced to the history of World War II by playing Halo, or possibly paintball, but still, the point is that the league finally has some momentum, thanks to engaging young stars, a much improved weaker conference, and high powered t-shirt cannons. The NFL has my beloved, but admittedly robotic Patriots, who tell the media things like “we are preparing for next week”, along with “we’re getting ready for next week”, and occasionally, when they slip up, “we are excited about next week”, when they obviously aren’t excited at all. Meanwhile, the NBA has Gilbert Arenas, who trains in Michael Jackson’s hyperbaric chamber in the mountains and is about two years away from playing the All-Star game in a cape and mask. Both leagues have the occasional character foible, but the NFL has steroids, Ray Lewis having people killed in nightclubs, and the Cincinnati Bengals, while the NBA has marijuana, Stephen Jackson firing a handgun into the air in an attempt to “calm everybody down a little”, and Lonnie Baxter trying to assassinate the President of the United States. Trust me, the latter is funnier.

The NBA has entertainment, and to some degree, it has empathy, especially amongst the current generation, who grew up playing pickup basketball. I have no idea what Pete Kendall goes through underneath the pile — and I’d like it to stay that way. But friends, I have been dunked on many times, and yes, on two incredible, never to be matched moments, I actually dunked on someone else. Was this person mildly intoxicated, bleeding from the mouth, and frantically attempting to signal “time-out”? Possibly. Was the hoop eight inches short? Almost certainly. But when Dwight Howard throws down on Eric Snow, I can empathize with both of them. Mostly Eric, though.

So yes, I’m an unabashed NBA fan, and I’m incredibly excited for the NBA season. But there’s one element of fandom that the NBA simply can’t compete with.

Fantasy.

Have you actually PLAYED fantasy basketball? I hadn’t in a very long time, until the nice folks at Rotowhine.com offered me a spot in their league. And don’t get me wrong, I’m having a wonderful time, but I’m also reminded, as I check the results daily, of why fantasy basketball remains a fringe activity while fantasy football is being incorporated into “No Child Left Behind” as I write this.

Imagine, if you will, a fantasy football league where the goal was to win as many statistical categories as possible. How about, say, pass yards, pass TDs, rush yards, rush TDs, receiving yards, receiving TDs, field goals, sacks, and just to be annoying, yards-per-carry. You get 10 points for having the best passing yardage, nine for the second best, eight for the…

Wait, what’s that? You don’t want to play in this ridiculous, theoretical league I just concocted? You have better things to do with your life?

First of all, don’t lie to me. Secondly, it sounds like you’re probably not cut out for fantasy basketball. Just about every league has too many categories, and those categories are weighed evenly, which is ridiculous. How am I supposed to get excited about a lack of turnovers? About high field goal percentage? How do you even start building a team? What makes a player “good”?

(football answer = “touchdowns”. basketball answer : “the perfect combination of doing a bunch of different things a lot and not doing other things too much”)

I can already anticipate the resistance from people who actually play fantasy basketball on a regular basis.

“Ha ha ha,” they say, “assists are unique! They must be measured independently!! Ha ha ha!! Clearly, David West, at 14.3 PPG, and 8 RPG, 2.1 TPG, and 57% FG is a superior player to Drew Gooden, at 16.6 PPG, 8.5 RPG, 3.6 TPG and 49% FG!!! Ha ha ha!!! I subscribe to Dime Magazine!”

To you, Dime Magazine subscriber, I say this : fantasy football isn’t popular — and yes, fun — because it’s an accurate portrayal of football. It’s an absolutely absurd portrayal with almost no basis in reality. Zack Crockett was a mainstay on hundreds and thousands of championship teams. Jamal Lewis had THIRTY FOUR YARDS one week, and that same week almost matched the point output of Adrian Peterson, who had maybe the greatest day in the history of running backs. You get more points for catching a touchdown than throwing one. This is not a simulation, or at least not a very good one.

And fantasy basketball doesn’t need to be realistic either — trust me, it’s not — but it needs to be simple and fun. It’s already got the “long season with different amounts of games for teams per week” thing stacked against it; is a crappy guy for four games better than a good player with two? How about three? “Well,” says Dime Magazine guy, “that depends on assist to turnover ratio and field goal percentage, unless you play with EFG%, in which case…”

BOOOOOOO. I’m already drifting. Here’s the problem in a nutshell; I don’t even really know why — or if — my team is bad; I look at my players stats in the morning and think, hey, those look pretty good. Chris Paul is fantastic. Joe Johnson seems to be very productive. I’m sure, with enough time, I could figure this out — but it doesn’t have to be that way. Maybe it’s just my inexperience with fantasy basketball, juxtaposed with my overexperience in fantasy football; am I just expecting this to make sense because football does? And if so, do I only understand fantasy football because I’ve been playing it for like, a decade?

It’s possible, but I doubt it. Until things change, fantasy basketball is going to at least one thing in common with REAL basketball — most people won’t have the attention spans to appreciate it, and will stick with football. And that’s a shame. Now that the maple syrup crop is in, I’m not sure what all of you are going to do with yourselves after football; me, I’ll be staring at free throw percentages and wondering what the hell is going on.

See you out there.